The "F" Word

As mothers I think we all feel guilty about things ... most of the time for no reason.  We all work so hard, putting everyone ahead of ourselves and never thinking twice about it.  It's just what we do as mothers.  I don't think I'm alone -- sometimes when I do something for myself I feel so guilty, even when it’s well deserved.  From spending money on myself to time away without the kids, there’s always a little feeling of guilt and that I should be spending the money on my family instead or should be there to tuck my babies in at night.  But those are things I know I need to do for myself once in a while. THIS TIME however, it’s a BIG feeling of guilt that I have, more than ever before.  I feel like the worst mom today. 


Yesterday I made the decision to stop breastfeeding and to give my son formula. 


I've been struggling since day one with breast feeding.  Not physically though.  Supply, latch, feedings in general ... it was working out great -- for Xavier.  But for me? Not so well.  To be honest, I despised the time I had to feed him. I would put it off as long as humanly possible before breast feeding him.  I don't know what it was, but I almost resented him. Am I nothing but a milk factory?  I never felt the "bond" that mothers talk about.  I never got the "warm fuzzies" when breast feeding him. It made me feel depressed and I just plain dreaded having to breast feed him.  Sometimes I’d cry while feeding him because I wanted so bad to enjoy the time with him like all the books said I was supposed to.  Those books painted this picture that there was no greater joy than to breast feed your child.  Why didn’t I feel this way? As the days went on I was getting more and more sad, upset -- angry even. 


But how can a mother make a decision like this based only on her?  It was only not working for ME.  HE was perfectly content with it all.  I debated with myself daily for the last few weeks.  Is it right for me to stop only because I want to? In my 2 years of motherhood with my first child I never made a decision based on my own needs.  Everything was for her and our family. 


He's now one month old and I just couldn't do it anymore.  There I stood with my son in my arms.  He was crying from hunger.  I knew it was time to feed him.  So purely for my own sanity I decided enough was enough.  I fed him a bottle of formula.    


I love him more than anything and was breast feeding him because I knew it is what's best for him.  But in this situation I guess I just needed to be selfish for once.  I really couldn't continue with the breast feeding.  The last few feedings now, with a bottle, I was able to look down at him and smile.  I could look into his eyes and feel happy to be holding him.  The late night and early morning feedings weren’t that bad.  I didn’t feel so tired and was almost excited to be able to pick him up and feed him.  Before, I would drag myself out of bed dreading the inevitable breast feeding session. It was an instant emotional shift though from the first bottle I gave him. Now I feel so much better already.  

I learned a little lesson from all this and the support I’ve received from friends.  I think as mothers we owe it to our children to make sure we’re happy as well.  They’re very fine tuned little beings and for their own happiness, they need their mommy’s to be happy also. 

Alicia
Mother to Avaya (2yrs old) and Xavier (4 wks old)